Uh oh!

I guess I should update the few people that read this that I'm not a flute major anymore.

I'm a voice major now! I'm currently planning on doing voice performance, but another very interesting option presented itself yesterday--multidisciplinary major in music history. Ooooh. I've been playing with the idea of musicology for a while now, and I heard about this pretty much unknown major from my music history professor. I'm excited. This sounds perfect.

Back to how I'm a voice major, though. I'm in my first semester as a voice major; my audition was in December. Basically, this all started right after I stopped writing in this journal. Go figure. I began to take interest in voice when I heard people actually singing somewhat classically. I played flute in our school's fall operetta, Sweeney Todd, and that was right around Halloween 2007. Also, I heard people singing various arias and art songs in the practice rooms next to me all the time. It just sounded like so much fun, and I wanted to try. So I auditioned for lessons as a minor at the beginning of the Spring 2008 semester, and I was put with a grad student named Allison. Up to this point, I was pretty resigned to the idea that I was a mezzo-soprano, but at my first lesson, she said when she was having me do some warm-ups, "Oh, you're definitely a soprano." And after a few more lessons, she was all but convinced that I would be a coloratura soprano, which is pretty much the highest and most flexible kind of voice. Which is what I'd always wanted to be.

Lessons with her weren't bad, but I ended up getting kind of bored because I felt like we were moving terribly slow. I got an A on my jury, and than one of the people judging, including the head of the voice department, told me that I should be a voice major. I thanked them and laughed it off in my head, because obviously I was going to be a flute major.

I was actually planning on transferring schools. I was going to get some lessons over the summer (I actually ended up getting one at Ohio State that went really well), see which teachers I liked, and then do some auditions in the winter. I knew I wanted a change. I was bored, to be honest--I was bored, frustrated, and unsatisfied. I got my wisdom teeth out at the beginning of the summer, and ended up not being able to play the way I wanted to for almost a month. I couldn't sing hardly at all. I felt like my dignity had been stripped away from me. I'd lost probably 5 pounds, which, for someone my size, is far too much, couldn't play flute, couldn't sing, and had little to look forward to. The visit to Ohio State was good; I would even say it was very good; but I still wasn't inspired to practice. I was bitter.

School started again, and I told my friends I was going to transfer schools, and they were not keen on the idea. They definitely wanted me to stay. After a number of weeks, I still hadn't begun applying to schools. Not even Ohio State. Nor was I practicing for the auditions I was supposedly going to be taking. I realized that I knew I wasn't going to transfer. I wasn't going to find my answer somewhere else.

Meanwhile, I started voice lessons with another grad student, named Michelle. She's older; she went to the San Francisco Conservatory for her undergrad, then performed opera professionally for 15 years. Now she's back in school to get her master's degree. She made it very clear that she would be treating me as a voice major--she would hold me to those musical standards and expectations. She had me sing a song from the 26 Italian Songs and Arias book for my first lesson. I added in the ornaments that were written above each line (isn't that what's expected?) and both she and my accompanist were impressed. She assigned me another song from the same book for my next lesson. I sang it memorized. She handed me three more songs--one at that lesson, two more a few days later.

This continued, and I eventually ended up with about 7 or 8 songs in my binder, most in foreign languages. the songs kept getting harder, with more notes, going to the outer limits of my comfort zone. I was learning them and memorizing them almost as fast as she was giving them to me. She and my accompanist told me that I was picking up concepts and learning songs faster than a lot of the actual majors. Michelle joked around one day and said "You're lying to me. You've been doing this for years." and then again at another lesson, "Forget flute...you need to be a voice major!" Then, in a more serious conversation, told me, "Jackie, you could go either way. You could just as easily do flute or voice. You could do performance on either one and be equally as good. You really ought to be at a conservatory."

My friend Randy, a voice major, approached me sometime in October and said, "Jackie, what's going on? You said you were going to transfer. But it's obvious you're heart isn't in this anymore. I think you know that you're a lot more into singing than you're into flute."

Well...he was right.

I was terrified. My plans had fallen apart right in front of me. Why? Because God had a different plan. He'd had it for years, and let me right to that point. There was a reason that ECU was the only school of music I was accepted to, a reason I played in the pit for Sweeney Todd, a reason a number of my good friends were voice majors, a reason that I'd been put with Michelle for voice lessons. The change I needed would not be found in another school of music or conservatory, not matter who the flute teacher was. I needed to change my whole major instrument.

This fear that I'd have to change my instrument continued to be confirmed as I got a solo in the university chorale (two weeks after joining it halfway though the semester, no less); sang in a master class; and got invited by the opera director after he heard me sing in the master class to be in the geisha chorus for the Spring 2009 opera, Madama Butterfly. Michelle told me that everyone she'd talked to after the master class, and the departmental recital I also sang in, said that they had no idea I could sing like that, and that I had a lot of potential.

I thought about it and prayed about it for the rest of the semester, right up to juries. I decided about a week before juries that my voice jury would be my audition to be a voice major. I even remember the exact moment I surrendered and said yes to God's plan: I had been talking to the head of the voice department one late afternoon about the possible switch. I told her that this semester had gone really well for me, and that I was having the time of my life in voice lessons (which I was), and could see myself doing this instead. She told me that I didn't have much time to decide, since audition season was coming up, and they needed to know how many students they'd be having the next year. So I would have to decide pretty much yesterday. I said, okay, I'm going to audition. She offered to let me use my jury as my audition. On my way home that night, I was walking down the street--the sun was setting, it was cold--I looked up at the dusty blue sky and said, okay, God. You've opened this door wide open for me, and I can only assume you want me to go through it. So here I go.

And here I am now. I was accepted. The voice faculty all agreed I ought to start as a major in spring semester instead of waiting for fall so that I can start getting some classes knocked out. I'm still taking lessons with Michelle. I'm taking flute lessons still, but with the flute grad student instead of with the professor. I'm enjoying myself thoroughly. I think that this was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I'm still in the Wind Ensemble, sitting co-principal. I'm working on the Prokofiev sonata and some excerpts from Prince Igor. I'm enjoying being able to play what I want to play when I want to play it. I won't give up flute.

I had a lesson today and it was good.

First of all, I've had a really good week. And it keeps getting better. I'm occupied, I'm practicing, I'm just generally keeping busy and I think that's helping me stay on track.
I think I mentioned in my last entry that I thought I was getting better and more comfortable with the positioning issues I was having before. It turns out I was right. I was playing through my scales in my lesson today, and Dr. G walks over and is looking at my hands. When I finish, she says, "What did you do to your fingers?" and her face breaks into a smile. She told me it was like she was hearing and watching a young professional.
I told her with a kind of hysterical grin, "I worked on it the whole week. Remember when you said I should spend the first whole hour of daily practice focusing on my posture and position? I spent the WHOLE TIME on it. I thought about it constantly." And it's true. I made a really sincere and strong effort to think about my wrist, elbow, and shoulder; I practiced in front of a mirror, and if there was no mirror, I would stop and look at what I was doing; I also thought about breathing and feeling the breath in my back and playing with my back into it; I thought about relaxing my arms; I thought about keeping my fingers over my keys; I honestly focused so much on everything this week. And I did it.
She told me, don't do anything extra, don't try to make it better. You have it. You did it. Just keep doing exactly what you're doing.

She also showed me my grades so far this semester. It was all A's and A-'s across the board, and I've shown general improvement. And my preparedness was all A's--except for an A+ one week. She said today as my lesson was ending that it was pretty much a straight-A+ lesson.
Dr. G also told me that she'd been thinking about when I came into her studio, I was full of raw talent, and she knew that I was talented; but after seeing the progress I'd made in just this past week, she said that she hadn't known that I had THIS much.
I finished playing the part of the Burton at 26, and she told me that she was thinking the "C" word--competitions. Not this year, but next year. She wants me to keep getting settled at ECU.
I told her I was thinking of staying all 4 years, and I am. I realized after this past Saturday's orchestra/choir concert that this place really is a hidden treasure...there is so much that it has to offer. The faculty is great. There is much more talent than I ever could have imagined. We read through Russlan and Ludmilla on Wednesday for the first time and it was already five times better than my high school orchestra's performance at the spring concert in my soph year of high school.

After I finished playing the Burton, Dr. G told me that I'd be one of the "greats" someday. I'd be up there at the very top and my name would be remembered.

To quote myself in a conversation with my best friend, Courtney, the other day:
I'm going to be a flute player.
I'm going to grow up and I'm going to be a damn flute player!
Wow.

I can do this!

I'm really awful at this whole updating thing.

The fluting is going well. I'm getting in at least 2 and a half hours, often 3, of practice, per day. My sounds is getting better as well as far as I can tell, and I'm consciously thinking about my right arm and wrist and hand more often, straightening it out, which should mean that it's getting better. We'll see in my lesson tomorrow!

And I need to break up my practicing more. Really. Like do homework, study in between sessions, something productive like that, or even just some sudoku. I've accidentally been going an hour or longer (in some cases, much longer) in one sitting sometimes. Frequent breaks are goodl; take them.

Also, I sight read for fun. That makes me a little weird. But also makes me a better reader and player, so I'm going to keep doing it.

I'm not even going to bother tagging this entry...it's not substantial enough, and I'm short on time anyways.

It's been two weeks since my computer crashed, almost. And it shows in the number of times I've updated, yes it does. Well, I won't waste time talking about last week's lesson...instead I'll just jump right into this one.

Keep fingers over keys. Think before you play. This will help with facility and technique. Moving my fingers back and forth and bunching them from left to right is not good; it'll cost me milliseconds, which doesn't seem like a lot of time, but in fast runs and stuff like that, it will make a difference.

Continue with Poulenc. Not so much a focus on the notes and rhythems, or even on phrasing...all that is okay. The question is, how do I approach the flute? I should focus on how I'm feeling when I play instead of what I'm playing. I have the technical stuff down pretty good. But I should move my air more and be more free with it...as she said, feel free to waste air, you can always take more. Air is free.

Joints need to loosen up. Wrists and keeping fingers over keys go kind of hand in hand. Shoulders--relax them periodically. Self-explanatory.

Don't punish yourself for wrong notes. Don't tense fingers when you miss a note. Focus attention and tension on the air column, moving the air, dropping the jaw, focusing the embouchure...and so on. Again, self-explanatory.

Sit on a chair, rest elbows on knees, then bring yourself up as you play. An idea for loosening joints. This surprisingly doesn't make the sound any worse, as most people would think. It's a demonstration of good balance and relaxation in shoulders and elbows. And it also brings attention to the airstream and taking breaths. When I take a breath, I should be able to feel my back expanding and tightening the top of my pants.

Breathe more often! It's okay! Especially in allegro type sections. Helps with both air and style. Especially in the third movement of the Burton. Let yourself breathe instead of I don't know, starving yourself until the end of a measure or phrase. It's actually more stylistically corrects to have space after a lot of those little triplet things.

Don't think about your hands when you play. Think about airstream, jaw, air direction, and so on. The focus should not be on the hands...it will make them tense up. Relax those and focus the tension on the abdomen and push the air up and out.

And lastly,
Don't ever let anyone tell you that you think too much, even if your IQ is maybe too high for your own good. That was in response to my saying that I sometimes stop and think..."Really? Really? I'm going to play flute for the rest of my life? As my career? My day-to-day job? This is really me and my life? How come I'm not going into astronomy or psychology or something more real, more tangible? [and maybe easier?...]"

Fall break starts today at 2:50 PM when I get out of my astromony class. I am going HOME. HOME HOME HOME.

I went to the bookstore after my killer psychology test today and bought a bunch of flute parts, including Daphnis et Chloe, which is the one I'm assigned. I'm practicing the main solo (it's in the Jeanne Baxtresser book) and man, those G#'s in the opening are killing me. I'm trying to make them soft, but they keep cracking, or the A's directly after will crack. I am also trying to unlearn the habit of starting off my soft upper register notes with a "puh" articulation, even though I haven't gotten any comments on it; it can't be good, I know that. No one wants to hear "puh puh poooooooh." I'm probably going to go ask Dr. G about it tomorrow, after I try it some more in the morning and maybe during lunch, if I don't have orchestra.

The Burton second movement is coming along pretty well, although I think I need to spend more time on the slower parts and not the runs. And the first movement of the Martinu is pretty much under control. I should look at, run through, and maybe work on a few spots in the second and third movements.

AHH DAPHNIS IS SO DIFFICULT. I'll figure it out, though. I probably just need to figure out where to place breaths in the opening of the solo, keep my air steady and strong, and my embouchure under control.

Oh yeah, and I think (I hope) I've finally said auf Wiedersehen to the "smiley embouchure."

So my laptop crashed.
And I'm using my roommate's Mac. And starting tomorrow I'll probably begin making daily visits to the music library to use a computer in there that I actually know how to operate.

I'm not going to make an entry, really; I just needed to announce that. I'm off to bed so that I can get up early again...ah. And since I DON'T HAVE A COMPUTER, I don't have any distractions, and so I might be able to get in a whole hour and a half(!) of practicing before class at 10:00.

ARGHHHhatehatehate. I have a psych test on Tuesday, and the best way to study is with those powerpoints. OH WELL, I guess. Kickin' it old style for now...just book, paper, and pencil...

I don't have a whole lot of time so I'm going to try to sum up quick and type fast.  I want to be asleep by 10:30...hahaha.
I managed to wake up this morning when my alarm went off...I forced myself to move and go shower to wake up, and it worked!  I got nearly a whole hour in before my first class at 10:00.

But that's not as interesting or important as how STUDIO CLASS went.  I had been practicing earlier today, and Dr. G popped in to say that it was sounding techincally very good, but I need to phrase more, and follow the music, instead of feeling like I'm rushing through it.  Later, I was practicing again, and she popped in to say "Wow...you fixed it!  You really did it!"  And inside I was like teeeeheeeeheeeee...
Studio class went really well.  I got a lot of excellent feedback.  I was told by everyone (Dr. G included) that it was outstanding for a freshman first performance.  She told me she didn't have a whole lot to say about it because my performance was very good.

Basically the main points that she and the rest of the class covered in their notes of my performance (we write our comments on each performance and give them to the performer after they're done) were:

-Breathing...it shouldn't interrupt phrases!  I tend to do that.  And Dr. G figured out one of the reasons was because especially on the staccatos, I shape the ends of the notes to much instead of let the room carry them for me.  I need to just stop breathing--not close my throat to choke the note, and not try to taper each one (I guess...?  It's not really tapering, but it's sort of like it)--but just stop and then blow again, and so on.  I found that I actually had more air to carry through the rest of the phrase.

-I got mixed reviews on my high notes...some said they were nice and clear, some said they needed a little more air, or that they were too airy.  I'll ask Dr. G about it tomorrow in my lesson(!) because I know that I've started really trying to work on the high notes lately.

-FOR THE LOVE OF MUSIC, DON'T GRIP THE POOR FLUTE.  IT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.  AND IT WILL NOT GROW WINGS AND FLY AWAY.  I think doing a lot of the Taffanel and Gaubert exercises should help that a bit.  I really need to not press as hard...I was doing like five times more than necessary.  It should just be enough to hold the key down.  It sounds so weird to me now, and like I'll accidentally slip up or something, but I really need to trust my body more, I think.
One person suggested imagining each note as lifting my fingers instead of putting them down...I think someone here said that in a comment, too.  I should really try to remember that.

-Look at knees when bowing.  In fact, it would be awesome to bow at all; it's called acknowledging the audience, and it's a good thing to do! :)

-I was told by quite a few people that overall, my tone was beautiful and really filled up the room, and that my low notes were especially good.  A few said it was a bit airy, and one person suggested backing off on how much air I use, but keep the speed of it going.

-Oh, and apparently I was nervous...but it'll fade with experience :)  It was probably because of my tenseness in the fingers and the sporadic breathing.

I'll definitely keep these cards with me for a while, until maybe this weekend when I consolidate the notes into main points like I did here, or until I find time to print this entry on a Word document to keep it with me...I'll start doing that with my main lessons, I think, printing out pages like this and one of me lessons like two weeks ago, just to have with me so I can read over them before I practice and during breaks to remind myself of good suggestions and whatnot.
On that note...I'm going to bed :]

PS: Oh yeah, I've broken out the Christmas music.  Boney M for the win!  I actually thought about it a lot recently because I had to practice something for piano lab, and it was the tune and chords to Zion's Daughter.  So I've had Boney M stuck in my head for half a week now...hee.

I didn't practice today.
I didn't study today.
I didn't leave the building today.
I didn't leave my FLOOR today.

That is all.

I got that feeling today of being completely and utterly behind, like I'm just generally clueless about the flute world.  Here's a list of the standard solo repertoire I've seriously practiced:

Morlacchi: the Swiss Shephard
Bricchialdi: the Carnival of Venice (parts of it only)
Hindemith: Sonate
Burton: Sonatina
Chaminade: Concertino
Faure: Fantaisie
JS Bach: Sonata in Eb Major
JS Bach: Polonaise and Badinerie, from Suite in B minor
Poulenc: Sonata
Gluck: Minuet and Dance of the Blessed Spirits
Mozart: Concerto in G
Chopin: Variations on a Theme by Rossini

That's through ALL of high school and thus far in college.  It looks like a lot...if you don't play flute.  I think about all that time I spent trying to prepare these ridiculous band parts, like the Sorceror's Apprentice (I will never forgive Mr. Holder for that), Scheherazade, everything for the Midwest Convention (shoot meee), Tulsa (oh dear heavens)...the list just goes on and on and on.  And all the transcriptions from orchestral parts (except for Sorceror's Apprentice) are in a different key than the original orchestral versions.  What an utter waste of time.

So basically I'm WAY behind on repertoire, I have never been to any real masterclasses, never done a competition, never been to a flute convention (closest I ever got to that is Midwest), never done a camp like Tanglewood or Aspen, didn't even try out for AYP or AYSO...I AM A COMPLETE FLUTE NOOB.
There's a whole WORLD out there of things I haven't done.

So basically I broke down crying for a good 45 minutes in my practice room.  Every time I tried to play, I would break down crying again.  Finally, I re-composed myself enough to play for a little bit, but I was sounding like crap on the Burton, because I REALLY need to frown more and relax my embouchure, but I can't play high notes without tightening up more.  The whole air-in-the-cheeks thing is just not working for me, especially when I have to double tongue high notes.  I try to frown when I do it and my whole airstream just goes all over the place--half my air spreads out to the sides, it's hysterical sounding, it's WAY TOO LOUD, and just generally nasty sounding.  I want to ask Dr. G what to do when she gets back this Monday.  I swear, I'm going to be in her office bothering her for half an hour trying to get this straight.  Just knowing what to do would be fantastic.

I just get so overwhelmed sometimes that I can't hold it in anymore.  I care so much.  And I'm so frustrated that I went through high school doing NOTHING.  I almost wish I wasn't smart, wasn't a naturally curious and intellectual person, because then I could have not taken most of the AP classes I did take in high school, and I could have practiced more.  I should have anyway.  When I wasn't freaking out about school work, I was lazing around like an idiot.

I guess that was then, though.  All there is to do is look forward.  That was the past, and no matter how much I cry about it, it's not going to change and I'm not going to magically know four times as much repertoire.  I just need to...look and move forward.  Do what I can when I can.  That means a lot less cat macros and facebook ,and a lot more time finding myself in a practice room.

"Qi"...Apparently, that's how you spell it.  Interesting.

Today was better; I really think yesterday might have just been a bad day.  I got in 2 and a half hours today (thank goodness) and they were all comfortable.  I noticed early on the signs that I was about to fall apart--I would play something badly, immediately do it again, without thinking about resetting everything and what I should do differently, without relaxing at all--and I stopped, took my flute away from my face, just closed my eyes, got comfortable on my feet again, and just tried loosening up my body (particularly my back, strangely enough) and also loosening the death grip my mind seemed to hold on my body and actions.  One instance of that stands ot in particular.  I think I even just had myself stand there, with my flute on my face like I was about to play, just breathing...first through my nose, then through my mouth, and I would notice the sound it made...I stayed relaxed, didn't think about embouchure...just kind of slowly drifted into playing again.  It helped me relax and get back into a productive groove.  (And I'm definitely glad I wrote that down.)

The Burton Sonatina is coming along quite well...much better when I'm relaxed.  I'm taking it slowly.  I took out my metronome for the first time in about a week today, and it was just to set a tempo for the second movement and getting the 32nd notes to line up.  What's important to me is getting all the notes under my fingers and getting comfortable with some of the harder parts.  It's a fluteworld grade 4- for a reason.  I wouldn't dream of practicing the third movement up to tempo just yet; I want to make sure everything is crisp, even, and comfortable before I think about taking it faster.  I want to hear every note in every run and trill.  I don't want to leave anything behind.  I don't want to be surprised in a month when I see a slur I missed all this time, and then freak out when I can't get it.  Catch everything early.  Take it slow...two steps forward and one step back, like that.

The studio class is next Thursday.  I'll be playing the first movement of the Burton Sonatina, I think.  And hopefully I can play parts of all three movements in my lesson next Friday.  Dr. G is gone until Monday, so no lesson this week.  I'm basically my own coach for two weeks.  When I play at the studio class it'll be the first time she's heard me since the lesson at which I played it the first time.  By then I want to be able to play the Burton Sonatina (hopefully all of it) not necessarily up to tempo, but with sense.  I want to play music, not fast notes.

It is so hard to practice enough per day when I split up my time like this, into half-hour chunks.  What's even more upsetting is that it's difficult for me to get through each half hour at a time...I remember when I would work on more pieces and not just one or two things, it was fairly easy to blow through a whole hour, and even get up to 4 or 5 hours a day.  Not anymore.

I'm still fighting my body.  That's the problem; I don't know HOW to "enjoy it".  All my life I've been telling myself that I have to do something, or else I essentially fail.  And so I keep pushing and pushing because I don't know what else to do.  I wish I were in some sort of meditation course, so I could figure out how to slow down and clear my mind of extraneous things, like the other flutists in the studio, the piano player across the hall, the good-looking guy in one of my classes, home, my music theory homework, my hair, food, how much more I need to practice...the list is literally infinite.

I swear to my breakfast cereal, I'm crying now because I can't relax, I can't focus, I am so frustrated with myself and my music that part of me wants to just walk away.  But the other part of me keeps reminding myself that the reason I'm so frustrated is because I care so much, and that walking away would help nothing.

If you couldn't tell, practicing didn't go well today.  Hopefully it's just a bad day.  If I remember correctly, yesterday was pretty good.  Maybe it was the day before.

Oh, and Dr. G will be gone until next Monday...perfect.  That's EXACTLY what I need.

I emailed Kate Lukas on Saturday afternoon...and I still haven't heard back...this is kind of killing me.  Maybe she's gone somewhere?  I've had my inbox open basically all hours of the day since Sunday, and every time it shows up that I have unread mail, I get all excited and my stomach just kind of stops and my heart rate goes up; yes, I feel all of this happening; and then I find out it's some forward from the school of music about not-free concerts in February or something.  Any other time I would be fascinated, but now I just get frustrated.

I have a lot on my mind.  I basically made myself do half an hour between sightsinging and psychology.  It wasn't a very good half hour.  I was all sorts of distracted, and I found myself going backwards.  I think I need to take an hour or two and focus on studying for some non-music classes...maybe drink some tea, do some dishes...just to get my mind off of everything music-related.

I only got about 3 and a half hours of sleep, so I'm going to make this really short so I can take a nice long NAP.

I feel like I'm starting to find that "center" Dr. G was talking about...I'm bending my knees; I can see it in the mirror, so I know I'm not just imagining things.  I'm also trying desperately to lower my hips when I play, really sinking into a rooted standing position like I was told.  When I do the hip thing, it's funny, I seem to automatically try harder to correct everything else; my throat opens up, my mouth opens up, I relax my arms, I start breathing from down lower in my lungs...basically everything I should be doing, I start doing.  I need to watch my flute angle though...it's starting to slip a bit.  All this not bending backwards thing is making me overcorrect the tiniest bit...it's not a severe problem yet, but I'm going to monitor it to make sure it gets no worse.

That's all for right now.  Crash time...don't want to get sick; it's not good for me :)

Today went pretty well, although I didn't practice as much as I would have liked to.  I woke up pretty late today, so that sucked away probably a good hour more that I could have done.  I did a little more than two today.  They were productive, though; I definitely feel like I'm getting back on track.  I printed out yesterday's entry and took it with my to practice today, and read it over again when I got there, before I began to play.

I definitely made an effort to think before I play; I focused on how I stood, I stopped when I caught myself taking stupid breaths, I tried to be relaxed everywhere.  And really, focusing on it works.  My sound was pretty awesome when I did all that.  And I also tried keeping my mouth open...it's surprising how easy it is to keep it going once I get it going and get used to it.  Of course, I did still frequently stop and take breaks to make sure, and usually starting fresh helped even more.

Oh, and I sent the email to Kate Lukas today...we'll see how THAT turns out, hopefully tomorrow or Monday...stay tuned.

Here's to waking up at 7 tomorrow!

Today I had another lesson.  And I took a lot of notes on it.  So I'm going to get out my notes and recap my lesson from them.

Break up practice sessions into 30-minute sessions.  Take frequent breaks.  This was written because I get tired when I practice--my embouchure gets tired, my brain gets tired, and I lose focus easily.  If I find that, during a passage, I lose my good sound and start to sound too closed or tight, I need to take a short pause, think, carefully set back up, and begin where I left off, keeping in mind what I need to do differently from what I did before.  Dr. G suggested practicing 30 minutes, then taking 30-minute breaks.  45 minutes is probably the maximum that I should be doing.

Open throat.  Self-explanatory, I believe.  It makes the sound better.

Observant, careful practice..."zen superhighway".  Be patient.  Dr. G explained that I'll feel like I'm moving at a snail's pace, the way I'm going to be practicing, with all the breaks and focusing on sound constantly and whatnot, but I'm working on SOUND right now and getting it consistent.  If it takes focusing on one line at a time and playing a run over until it sounds right, waiting until the first note sounds good, and then stopping after it to remember WHY it sounded good or bad, and then either doing the same things or fixing something, then that's what it takes.  Patience is key.  This is not the time for barrelling through repertoire...no matter how far behind I feel.  Not the time.  Patience like this is what I need to overcome the confusion that seems to have been plaguing me the past couple of days.  Just...slow...down.

Feel yourself when you practice...be aware.  Not a battle--enjoy it.  Be both in the future and in the present.  I need to enjoy my body and explore it when playing and when preparing to play.  What feels good?  What position makes me feel open and comfortable?  Leaning back isn't doing it for me, and I need to bend my knees and get my hips lower.  I tend to breathe from my chest up...what I should be doing is breathing from the stomach and back, and really no further.  Too much air is almost as bad as too little.

Acceptance of self.  Related to above--I need to enjoy my body, not fight it.  And I need to not be so hard on myself.  If I make a mistake, boo hoo...it's practice.  It's not a performance or a rehearsal with an orchestra; it's me, myself, and I in a practice room, figuring out how to make something sound beautiful.

Exploring the body--oral cavity.  Open up, tongue down.  Dr. G noticed it before I did, but I caught on, eventually, too; that when I open my mouth and in particular keep my tongue down, my sound is a lot fuller and richer.  It's not nearly as directional and shallow.  Oral cavity is big, both in the literal (open mouth) and figurative (big deal) sense.

Pay attention to setup.  Don't just jump right into playing.  I need to first figure out how to stand in the most centered, comfortable way, without leaning too far back as I tend to.  And also keep the knees bent and the hips low, the back at a comfortable curve (not straight!), shoulders and arms relaxed, and then I can put my flute to my face.  Also, don't bend the fingers too much.  Having a happy medium between the concavity I had before and the Captain Hook overcorrection I showed in my lesson today is good.

Burton Sonatina and C# and F# minor scales.  Along with the Dvorak 8 solo, this is my week's assignment.  I switched from the Faure Fantaisie to the Burton Sonatina today because I was getting tired of the Faure Fantaisie.  I knew that by the time the studio class rolled around, I would be sick to death of the Faure.  There's more to work on in the Burton Sonatina, so I shouldn't get bored as easily...that, and I simply like it better.  (Not to say I didn't like the Faure, but I think a break will do both me and the piece some good.)

LONG TONES.  Play the pieces like you play the long tones.  I am sounding much better on the long tones and scales than I am on the pieces, simply because I'm concentrating more on my sound during the long tones.  I need to concentrate on my sound ALL the time, not just when I do long tones.

Email Kate Lukas.  Kathryn Lukas is one of the flute professors at Indiana University Bloomington.  Which happens to be my dream school.  So, Dr. G said, it would be a really good idea to be in touch with her (since I've already worked with her a bit and she's my preferred teacher) so that I can be fresh in her mind if/when I get a lesson with her, and ultimately, when I audition there again.  The key is to make them remember me there, and to let them see what I'm working on and what kind of progress I'm making.  IU Bloomington is still my top choice school, and if I either don't audition there or don't get in in two years, then I'll audition there for grad school.
I should ask Dr. G and my mom what they would think of auditioning there this coming winter.  Although the prospect of living in the apartment with Kelsey next year, and actually doing all the competitions and master classes next year (when I've got more repertoire under my belt and the basics in a better understanding), may be a bit much to pass up.  The way I'm seeing it, there's a lot more opportunity in the second year of college than in the first.

And there you have it...a brief overview (believe it or not) of today's lesson.

I  think I'm sounding a bit better now.  I tried to "open up" more today, and definitely focused on relaxing my mouth...which is, in fact, tensing up lately.  Oops.  I still only did 2 hours at the absolute maximum today, which is just not good; it's great for high school, but about half of what I should be doing for college.  Luckily I have a lesson with Dr. G tomorrow morning, a phonecall with Mrs. Wynn (my private teacher at home) tomorrow night, and a whole weekend free.  So the combination of those three things should be a big enough boot in my butt to get me going again.  Hopefully my lesson tomorrow will do one of two things: help give me confidence that yes, I'm doing okay and not going insane, or tell me that I've still got work to do and my nervous feelings towards my playing in the past few days are, in fact, warranted.  Either way will bring me the closure I need to get back on my feet.

"Back on my feet", of course, in the sense that I'm not totally knocked off of them and sitting on my butt on the floor, but kind of like I'm just really dizzy.

The Burton Sonatina is a great piece; I really like it.  I can't get the third movement to not sound hysterical or forced, though.  I need to practice it slower and maybe actually put some dynamics into it other than triple forte and running-out-of-breath.  I didn't practice the Faure Fantaisie today.  I don't think I will for a few days.  Unless I actually get an accompanist...unlikely.

Today and my last practice yesterday felt kind of sloppy.  I don't know what it is exactly that's making it feel like that.  Maybe I'm not focusing well enough on the music...I think I might be letting my mind wander too much.  I feel like my jaw and the muscles right under it in my neck are way too tense, and in turn it's making my embouchure too tense.  I know that Dr. G believes playing flute should be comfortable, and that tension inhibits one from making a good sound.  The other day my sound sounded very raw, very pure; I was vulnerable (this is a good thing--it means that my mind and heart were open) and now it sounds like I'm trying to mimic something; it's almost hysterical-sounding, or tired, forced, like I'm tense.

I think if I want to be able to practice in the morning I'm going to have to get to sleep earlier.  Maybe I'll try for 10:00.  It's not unreasonable; it's a full 9 hours, and that way I won't be running on empty in the morning with only 6 1/2 or 7 hours, which is too little for me to be genuinely rested and too much for adrenaline to kick in and boost my energy.  I'm eating pretty well, so that's a good start, and walking back and forth (a lot is uphill and up stairs) between my dorm and my classes and the music building is actually pretty good exercise (I think I've actually dropped a pants size).  Now I just need to sleep more, and try to clear my mind.

I'm just tired of going through the same runs and passages and not getting them any better.  There's one, actually, that IS getting better, and that's the 32nd-note run in the first movement of the Faure Fantaise--I changed the fingering for the B-flats in the first couple sets of four to regular B-flat instead of trying to mess with the lever by the F-key.  I wonder what the official name for that is.

Oh, and I'm playing the Faure Fantaisie at the studio class on the 27th of this month.  We'll see how the preparation goes.  I pretty much have all the notes and rhythms learned, and I've begun to make some sense out of the phrasing and making some music out of it, but it's still really rough.  Hopefully playing it with the piano (if I can get around to that) will help some; I know a lot of it is up to me though.